the other side of love

The Other Side Of Love

As a teenager, I always wished for adulthood and the freedom that came with it. Completing my A level studies came with that freedom. Finally, there were no restrictions and monitoring, just me managing the 24 hours as I pleased. However, it came with more responsibilities than I had anticipated.

A few months after completing my A level studies, I was on a flight to go to University in a foreign land. With the change came a tough language barrier. It was hard to cope, but I had to do everything in my power to succeed. I sought admission to the University and settled in all by myself. When classes began, I met a few of my countrymen, which kept me at ease.

The Man Who Mesmerized Me

One day, a friend came to visit me and brought along his BFF. When I opened the door, I was speechless. The man in front of me mesmerized me. But, I reminded myself of what had brought me hundreds of miles away from home—my education. I had a long talk with my parents and family friends before I left, and they had lectured me on the dos and don’ts of studying abroad. I made a promise to study hard, and I was willing to keep my end of the bargain. There was no way I was going to let anything or anyone distract me, not even this charming man.

He kept his eyes fixated on me the whole time he was at my place. After the first visit, he made frequent trips to my house and asked if we could be friends. I accepted the friendship, and we were friends for three years. He was a great help during my years at Uni. At my graduation, he organized a dinner date. That’s when he asked me to be his girlfriend. I asked for time to think about it.

love others like you love yourself

The Beginning Of Our Future

I enrolled in a postgraduate degree, which was partially influenced by him. He was pursuing his doctoral degree at the same University. During the first year of post-grad, I accepted his proposal to be in a relationship. I loved this man. He pampered me, and he meant everything to me. His love got me through the post-grad degree so quickly, and it was time to board the flight back home. I was leaving him behind, at least until he graduated in a few months.

Finally, a few months later we were both home, and we could plan our future. We introduced each other to our families, and all that was left to do was get married and live a great life together. He managed to secure a job within a few months of coming home, but I didn’t. We moved in together. But three months down the line, I obtained a job in a different city.

I had to move out, but he didn’t like the idea of me working away from home. He wanted me to be a housewife. He was not happy at all with my decision. But how could I be a housewife after being a bookworm for so long? It didn’t make sense. So I left.

The Painful Loss

One beautiful morning as I was getting ready to go to work, I started feeling sick. Nausea, morning sickness, vomiting, etc. You guessed it, I was pregnant. When I called to let him know, he was not thrilled. His reaction left me confused. He said he wanted to start a family with me, so why the negative attitude and the mixed reaction? Had he changed his mind about us? 

One afternoon, while I was traveling for a work trip, I felt slight abdominal contractions. I brushed it off and focused on the journey ahead. The contractions intensified, and got worse by the minute. Before long, I felt a hot flash between my legs. I was all bloody, confused and scared. 

I directed the driver to the nearest hospital emergency wing. That’s where I got the worst news of my life. It was a miscarriage. A few check-ups later, I was admitted for a dilation and curettage (D&C) procedure. I was devastated. My sorrow was pouring out of me. During this time, he never came to see me in the hospital; he thought that paying for the hospital bill was enough.

I was hurting. I had lost one of the most sacred possessions I’ve ever had, my baby. He didn’t exist anymore, or maybe it was a she, I will never know. When my fiancé finally called, I was in sheer disbelief. What he said felt like a hot iron on an open wound. 

Rock Bottom

Here is exactly what he said, “Why did you get rid of the baby? I guess I was not the father and this was your way of getting rid of the evidence. Forget about visiting my mom, she does not see eye to eye with murderers. And yes, we are officially over, I need a strong woman who can carry the pregnancy to term. And that is definitely not you.”

What had become of him? I hit rock bottom. My tear glands were exhausted; I was dejected. My first thought was that I must have done terrible things in my past life to deserve this kind of treatment. I fell deep into a depression; I was in the abyss of sorrow. Losing my baby and the love of my life in such a short amount of time was a significant blow. 

I could not eat, drink, sleep, or work. I became a loner, and I hid under my blankets all day and night. My health deteriorated, and I contemplated suicide. Smoking was my solace as, with every puff, I felt like I was smoking him out of my heart. I wanted out of this shit, but I didn’t know how to escape the pain.

My Turning Point

I mourned my baby for months. Nobody understood me. My sister showed up one Sunday morning and urged me to attend a church service. There was a new priest in church that day. I was lost in my own world during the entire service. The only thing I heard him say was, “I will give you a listening ear for all of your troubles.” That was my turning point. 

The office day was on Thursdays, so I woke up early, took a shower, got ready, and headed to the church office. I was the first to be seen. We prayed together, and I poured my heart out and sobbed. He did what he promised during the Sunday sermon, he listened. In addition to being a priest, he was a professional counsellor. So, we arranged some follow up appointments, and in a few months, I was better.

As the holy book puts it, love others as you love yourself. I had attached my affection more to others than to me. You have to love yourself to be able love others in a healthy way. I learned to not expect too much from others as it almost always leads to disappointment. 

The truth is, I had loved that man way too much, and I paid for it. I learned my lesson. To move on, you have to accept the mistakes you have made in life and look for the solution. I recognized mine, and now I have a more fulfilled life. Please do not be embarrassed to ask for help; it is a sign of strength. 

Let someone hold your hand and pull you out of the depths of hell. No matter how dark it seems, the sun will rise again. My star is shining now, and yours will too.

This story was selflessly submitted by Lynet Makena.

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